


My Reason

by Halsteadpd



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-16 07:36:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16081493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halsteadpd/pseuds/Halsteadpd





	My Reason

Going to try something different. This one-shot is based on Calum Scott's song, You Are the Reason in Jay's perspective. Enjoy :)

There goes my heart beating

'Cause you are the reason

I'm losing my sleep

Please come back now

I wake to my alarm blaring. Well I wasn't really asleep. I haven't had a proper night's rest for months. Subconsciously, I've reached my arms out for her—wanting to pull her closer to my chest—but my arms always come up empty. I can't even begin to explain how disappointing or frustrating it is to realize in my half-asleep state that she doesn't sleep next to me anymore.

Because she's not here.

And it's all my fault.

I click the snooze button and allow myself to become submerged into darkness with help from my comforter. I was never one for sleeping in, but it's something that I find peaceful now. I rarely fall asleep again after my first alarm. Instead I enjoy the feeling of peace and serenity. My phone isn't ringing about cases or CIs wanting to get in touch; I don't have to interact with any people. It's just time for me.

During the first few weeks, this time was spent sitting up in bed, attempting to control the wave of nausea overcoming my body from the previous night's drinking. It took a lot of convincing from Upton and Voight to see a therapist—it was basically an ultimatum that led towards it. But eventually, I got better, and it was worth it.

I think.

Seeing a therapist only resurfaced feelings I had put away long ago; and the fresher memories seemed to hurt even more. I had never really talked to anyone about Afghanistan. I barely even thought about my time there. It's a hell I refuse to re-live. But she keeps encouraging those thoughts out of the deep convolutions of my brain.

However, even those thoughts of losing my six friends in bloodbaths or listening to bombs as they lulled me to sleep is nothing compared to the pain of when I think about her.

That was a whole different pain.

A pain I can't seem to rid myself of.

I'm just about to fall asleep when my alarm rings again, summoning me to kick off the covers and start my day. I notice the date and it's like someone is sitting on my chest.

It's been eight months.

Eight months since she walked out of my life.

She didn't even say goodbye; she didn't even answer my phone call and I sat there stupidly at Molly's telling myself she was driving and didn't want to pick up her phone; that she was just finding parking because it was busy. Even Will stopped giving me hope, he knew she wasn't coming.

I drove her away. It was my fault. I should never have left.

I'd climb every mountain

And swim every ocean

Just to be with you

And fix what I've broken

Oh, 'cause I need you to see

That you are the reason

I've heard this chorus a million times now. Upton is absolutely obsessed with Calum Scott. She told me about how he was on Britain's Got Talent and got the Golden Buzzer from Simon Cowell. Since then, she's been in love with his voice.

I can't help but think about how this song relates to my life. It's as if this guy had a third person view and made a song about it. He sees my inner turmoil and put it into words and sang about it. He sees me struggling to talk about her in therapy. He sees me sometimes staring her old desk. He can see my thoughts of what it used to be like in the car together.

He sees it all. He sees it all and perfectly encapsulates everything I would do to get her back.

Because honestly, I would move heaven and Earth to fix everything between us. To make her forgive me for my mistakes. Hell, I would give her the damn moon if she wanted and I'd hold it up in the sky every night for her.

If I could turn back the clock

I'd make sure the light defeated the dark

I'd spend every hour, of every day

Keeping you safe

I can picture myself lying in bed with her head resting on my arm.

Her favourite position.

My other arm would be draped across my stomach, and sometimes I would readjust our position so that she was pulled close against my chest. She once told me she felt safest in that position. My arms and my body shielding her from everything, even if there was no danger as we were cuddled up in bed.

She told me she had never felt that way with any other guy before. How she was always scared what she would wake up to. Maybe the guy would be done with her and he'd kick her out. Or worse, he would keep her for a bit longer and do whatever he wanted to her.

But I could never do that. I could never take advantage of her like that.

I think about how she's out there now—vulnerable to the world—and I'm not there to protect her. I'm not there to wrap her up in my arms.

Maybe she has someone else to do that now.

Someone else who is stronger. Someone else who is making her happier. Someone else who is better in bed. Someone else who is more stable.

And she deserves it all.

Because I couldn't give her everything she needed.

But God, the things I would do to have her back.

Leave me a review on your thoughts :)


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